We passed court!!!

After four and a half years of working on this adoption and almost a full year of fighting specifically for Miles we are finally creeping up on the finish line.  On Dec. 17, 2103 we were informed we passed court.  This means that Miles officially became a Hawley and we officially has a second son.  Our family is growing and our hearts are over flowing.  We are so blessed.  Now, the question is when do we get to make the journey back to Bulgaria to get our son and welcome him into our family once and for all??

We made our first trip to meet him back in September and the waiting time has been rough.  Most adoptive parents say it is the hardest time of the entire experience.  I would have to agree but fortunately for our family we had a LOT going on to keep us distracted. I work full time for SEL Inc. as a Training Coordinator, I work part time for MyRadio 102.5 as an On-Air Personality, and I work the front desk at Bonkerz (an indoor play area) on Saturdays.  My husband works full time as an Agricultural Engineer for Kyle Hawley Farms as well as having almost 500 acres of his own farm ground where he grows wheat and garbanzo beans. Our son, Kolby, is a go getter. He is involved in Tee-ball, Swim Lessons, Hockey and Soccer.  He is a social butterfly and loves having playdate with all his friends.  Our lives may seem crazy to most people but it is filled with love.

Even though we are busy that doesn’t stop us from thinking about Miles every minute of every day. We are getting really excited to be able to go and pick him up.  Our agency gave us tentative travel dates of Jan. 8^th-18^th.  We should know official travel dates shortly after Christmas.  To say we are excited is an understatement.  We can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Our family will soon be all together.

We started looking at airline tickets to try and get a good idea of our price point.  Expedia and Orbitz are saying $1500 for my ticket, $1500 for Jason ticket, $1500 for Kolby’s ticket and $3000 for Miles’ ticket.  That is $7500 for our family to travel there and back.  On top of that we were not able to find any flights that would match up with our round trip tickets and Miles’ one way ticket.  REALLY!!??  It is always something!!  Until….

I got frustrated and thought, no way is this something ever adoptive family goes through.  I posted on our Facebook adoption page and asked how I should book tickets.  I got a ton of responses.  Contact Adoption Airfare, contact Golden Rule Travel, contact the Airlines directly and ask for special rates for adoption.  We did it all just to see what we could find. 

Best price we could find was $1200 for me and $1200 for Jason, $1000 for Kolby and $500 for Miles! That is less than $4000!!!  That is a huge cost savings from the original $7500 we were going to have to spend.  GOD is so good.  Granted $4000 is a lot to spend but for our family to all be together and experience this journey together- it is totally worth it!! 

It is finally happening!! I cannot wait!! I will keep you updated as to what the official dates of travel are and our journey is traveling over to Bulgaria with a 4 year old and traveling back with 2 kiddos under the age of 5.  It will be crazy but if you couldn’t tell- We operate well under the category of crazy!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  2014 will be year of change and adjustment but most of all HAPPINESS and TOGETHERNESS!!

Psalm 62:5-8

Psalm 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Anyone who knows me understands without it needing to be said- I am NOT a patient person.  Throughout this adoption process the Lord has proceeded to teach me patience.  Although it has not been easy it will completely be worth it.

We just found out that the Minister has not signed our paperwork yet.  He said that it will take almost 3 weeks before he will be able to get to it.  After that we will head to court and on average it has been taking 3-4 weeks.  Then comes the court decree which will take almost 2-3 weeks to print.  Then we will FINALLY travel.  If everything goes smoothly (yeah right) we still have to wait 10 weeks. 

Originally we were told that we would travel, worst case scenario, over Christmas.  Now we are looking at the end of January or beginning of February. I am doing my best to find the silver lining in all this but I am really struggling.  I am sick of the typical answers I get back from everyone when they hear about our situation.  "It will all be worth it"  "It is always on His timeline and you need to trust that"  "Distance makes the heart grow stronger"  I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!!! It will be worth it, we trust Him and His timeline, we are grateful for the path he has chosen for our family, and regardless of distance our hearts are ALWAYS with our kids!! It does not make the waiting any easier or the disappoint of delays any less hurtful. 

I have asked a lot of adoptive families how to deal with the wait. The responses have been; go shopping for stuff for the child, organize his room, do fundraising, blog, look back on pictures and videos of your first trip, get a second job to earn a little extra money for trip number two, etc.

Check, check, check, check, check, check- I have done it all.  The wait is still killing me!! The only thing that give my heart any peace is when I am surrounded by my Lords love.  Listening to worship music, reading the word of God, sitting in Church, devouring the word of God with my fellow followers, prayer... Only when I am in those places does my heart settle, my mind stop running a million miles a minute and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know His timing is what is right for our family.  I trust that He will bring our family together.  The overwhelming peace I feel knowing that there are people out there praying for our son give me such comfort.  The Lord is my rock, He is my Savior, I pour my heart out to him, I trust him and it is only with Him that I find my refuge. 

As soon as we can, we will all be together.... Hold on my brave little man.  Mommy loves you more that words can say.  :)

The struggle is part of the story...

I know I haven't spoke out about how we are handling the wait time but to be completely honest it is literally killing me.  Thinking about it takes me to the verge of tears.  Talking about it make me cry like a baby.  It is completely unbearable.  My heart is here and my heart is across the world in Bulgaria. I am really struggling.  Every time I find myself feeling sad about my son being in Bulgaria I feel guilty about not being present here at home.  If I find myself having fun and being happy I feel guilty because my little boy is in a third world country away from his family.

There are two days in my whole life that I honestly have no idea how I made it through. 

The first was the day Kolby was born.  I still had IV in my arm and had not been conscious for more than an hour when they put my son on an ambulance headed for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Spokane.  They expected me to stay in Moscow, FAT CHANCE!!! I pulled IV's out of my arm and followed my son to Spokane. 

The second day was the day I sat in a room on the third floor of an Orphanage half a world away with my three year old son in my lab.  The door swung open and an older lady spoke to me in a language I didn't understand.  I stared at her blankly although I knew exactly what she was asking me to do.  Subconsciously I turned me back to her and held tight to my son. My translator explained that it was time for us to go and leave Miles here.  Can you imagine giving your three year old son a kiss goodbye and telling him you love him and having no idea when you will see him again?  I had to sit there and watch a caretaker, of whom I didn't even know her name, take my son away from me.  No one told me how long we would be apart, no one told me how hard it would be, no one prepared me for the overwhelming break my heart would experience.  I tried to pretend I was strong and happy so my son would not see me crumble into a pile of nothing on the floor. 

It was only moments after he was out of sight that the tears rolled down my face faster than I could wipe them away.  I struggled to stay on my feet as all the strength I had was quickly disappearing.  Every morsel of my being wanted to run after that caretaker and snatch my son away from her.  I was not reassured that he would be well taken care of, I was uncertain he would know us when we returned for him, I wasn't ok with flying half way around the world to go back to everyday life like nothing was different. 

It was been a month since we returned home.  I do not feel like we are any closer to going back over to get him.  We have been told that we should travel at the end of December, possibly spending Christmas in Bulgaria, or even sometime in January.  The government shut down postponed our paperwork a bit, our Idaho State Background Checks were returned due to the form being changed the day after we mailed them.  Our paperwork is currently on its way to Bulgaria so we are just waiting. 

Waiting and waiting and waiting.  I know that God has a lesson here for me in particular.  Patience is a virtue and I have never been very good at it.  I am learning that everything is done on his timeline but accepting that is much harder than I ever imagined.  I am a control freak to say it gently.  Giving it all to him has been a struggle and has also forced me to grow in ways I didn't think I was capable of doing.  My faith has been tested in this whole process but I am beginning to see that my faith is growing stronger, our marriage has flourished, and our family is growing deeper roots.  The struggle is all part of the story but believe me living in the struggle day to day is almost enough to break a person down to the most rare point.

I heard a song recently that captures exactly how I am feeling. Listening to the lyrics gives me hope, brings me to tears and makes my heart settle in peace.  I have attached to lyrics below. 

 

"He Will Carry Me"

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holdin' on
But I feel like givin' in
But still You're with me

[chorus:]
And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

[chorus]

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I've never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through
The storm

[chorus]

 

Please pray for our family as we solider on through this agonizing wait.  Please pray for my son so that he will know he has a family that loves  him more than he will ever know.  Please pray for all the families that are partners with us in this journey we call adoption. Most importantly please pray for all the orphans all around the world that they too will find they family the so desperately long to have.

 

 

Marathon Blog....

Ok everyone.... So much has happened since the last blog.  I am going to try and recapture it for you.

5k/10k "Fund" Run- This event happened on Aug 24th and it was AMAZING.  We had over 60 runners in attendance and a significant amount of donations from people unable to attend.  We raised over our $2500 goal and on top of that a friend of mine in Texas decided to hold her own 5k Run in our honor.  Her run raised and additional $1000.  We are so amazingly blessed!! It isn't everyone that has great people and such a strong support system behind them.  We recognize how lucky and fortunate we are and believe me-  We thank God daily for how blessed we are.  The run was amazing and came in handy because....

2 weeks later we were leaving for BULGARIA to meet our son.  We got the phone call on Aug. 27th that told us we needed to arrive in Sofia Bulgaria on Saturday, Sept. 7th.  A phone call that would change our lives forever.  It was very surreal to us for the longest time.  We have been fighting for this for over four years now and we finally had a date in which we could actually say we would meet our son.  Kolby was finally going to be a big brother. I finally will get to hug my son.  Miles will finally know the love of a family.  It was incredible.  The countdown began.  I was a total wreck.  To be honest, I found almost everything to distract me from thinking about it because I could hardly control myself from just catching the next flight and flying over to knock on the orphanage doors.  I ended up canning over a dozen jars of spaghetti sauces, 2 dozen jars of Salsa, 2 dozen jars of pears, a half dozen jars of peaches, and about 10 jars of Blackberry/blueberry jam.  WHAT WAS I THINKING??  We are set for some snack food when we return home with our son though, right?

The 7th quickly approached and everyday we grew more and more anxious.  More and more excited and honestly, more and more SCARED TO DEATH!!! Every scenario ran through my head.  But regardless of emotion the day slowly crept closer.  The night of the sixth was a mad rush.  I got off work and was determined to spend every last moment with Kolby before leaving.  We went down to the motorcycle track his dad built and watch him ride his motorcycle.  We played farming, we watched Lego guys on TV and then we finally laid down for bed.  At that moment we flew into packing mood, cleaning house, organizing everything for Kolby while we were gone, I ran into town and spent 4 hours at the radio station.  2am arrived quicker than we could have imagined.  We loaded everything and everyone up.  Picked up Emmy (the angel that would love and care for our son in our absence).  We drove to Spokane, kissed our son goodbye and proceeded to check in.  We have 2 HUGE bags that were both only .5lb under the allotted weight limit stocked full of toys, blankets, clothes, snacks and other fun donations for the orphanage.  We both had a carry on and personal items with our clothes for the trip.  We left Spokane at 5:45am, flew to Denver, then to Montreal Canada, then to Frankfurt Germany and then to Sofia Bulgaria.

We started our journey at 5:45 am on Saturday.  We arrived in Sofia Bulgaria at 1:00pm Sunday afternoon.  The longest lay over we had was only 2 1/2 hours in Germany.  Needless to say we were EXHAUSTED!!! A driver pick us up in Sofia and we met with two other families that were getting to pick up there kiddos this trip.  We only got about 20 minutes to chat with them until we were taxied to our hotel.  It was so TINY.  Everything over here is much smaller than in the States.  Narrow streets, tiny cars, small hotel rooms, its all just a little more miniature.  We took a short stroll down the board walk in Sofia and than back to the hotel where we proceeded to nap for 5 hours.  Woke up and went to eat.  Everything is pasta and pizza here.  Yummy food!! Walked back to the hotel and slept until 6am.  We were picked up and went to the airport in Sofia.  It is now Monday morning and we are flying to Varna to meet our son.....

The flight only lasted 30 minutes from Sofia to Varna.  We arrived safely and went to our hotel to drop off luggage. We were fortunate to travel with another lady picking up her daughter from another orphanage not far from Miles'.   We got to the orphanage and were ushered to an office. 

Anticipation was KILLING us.  Every set of footsteps sent us into heart racing mood.  When we finally arrived he was scared to death.  Shaking and sobbing.  My heart melted.  Here he is in the flesh.  I was actually able to reach out and touch him.  I reached for him and he automatically snuggled into me!!   Our first embrace as a mother and son and let me tell you it was absolutely priceless and worth the wait, worth the struggle, worth the fight, worth every ounce of effort we put towards this adoption.  It was a moment that I will NEVER forget. 

We got to play with him for two hours.  He loved the ball that Grammy sent with us.  I was astounded with how quickly he warmed up to us.  At the end of the two hours he cried and reached for us as they carried him away.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  I had to continue to remind myself that we would get to see him tomorrow but that did little to comfort me.  After waiting all this time how could two hours go by so quickly and why do we have to leave him....

We were originally told that we would be able to spend the entire day with him on Monday-Friday.  That quickly changed when we arrived and were informed that we would get to spend only two hours a day with him Monday- Thursday.  This mama bear was not happy with the information but in hindsight- I will take every minute I am given and be grateful for it.

We were able to meet back up with our friend that was picking up her little girl.  We spend the afternoon with them and it was so precious to see another family united after such a long wait.  We walked down to the black sea and up and down the boardwalk. It was fun and relaxing but I would have traded it all for another minute with our son. 

We are awaiting day two.  So much excited that the alarm that was suppose to sound at 5am today didn't need to be set as we were both up and wide awake by 3:30am.  We got the opportunity to facetime with our son, Kolby, and hear all about his adventures at home.  I can not imagine a heart being able to withstand anymore joy than mine is at this moment.  How is it that out of all the boys in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD, we got the best ones??

More to follow as we progress through the trip.  Thank you for all the prayers, thoughts and warm wishes.  We are truly blessed and thankful for all the support.

With much love-
A Brand New Blessed Mommy!!

He is ours...

In the eyes of Bulgaria our little Miles is officially our son!! We are now just waiting for our agency to call us and tell us to get on the plane headed to Bulgaria. The anticipation is killing me. I feel like it is actually coming together, like our prayers are being answered. I am trying to focus on getting businesses to sponsor our t-shirts and get everyone to sign up for our 5K/10K run.  It has been a good distraction due to the fact that without it I would be going completely crazy.  My mind is going a million miles a minute and all I want to do is hug my little boy.  Kolby is getting so excited and asking so many questions.  Can your heart explode from happiness?? If so, I am kind of scared mine might! Our family is almost complete.... :)

5K/10K Run or Walk

It is official we are hosting another fundraiser on August 24th. 

 

 

Please email loveoutloudjourney@live.com for a printable registration form and mail it in!! We would love all the support we can get! Thanks!!

Now what...

What do you do when you feel like the whole world is crashing down around you and no one feels it but you?

Miles turned 3 on June 25th.  I have never struggled so much in my life and the hardest part is that no one seemed to understand why that day was so hard for me.  My only prayer is that someone in that orphanage so many miles away took my son into there arms and told him how special he is!! I take comfort in knowing that he will never have to spend another birthday without knowing a mothers love. 

That day proceeded to get worse.  We found out that NBC declined our home study because on page 4 it said "The Hawley Family is approved for a child with..." and on page 18 it said "The Hawley Family would consider a child with..."  Due to the fact that "approved" and "consider" did not match in our home study we were declined.  I proceeded to call our Social Worker and have her change the wording.  Since we had to have an edit made after the submission of our Home Study it was considered an addendum and cost $100. 

Whatever... I don't care how much it cost. I don't care how much debt.  I don't care! I WANT MY SON!! We paid the money.  Paid to have it expressed mailed to the NBC worker.  Once she received that we were suppose to be approved.  Only for her to come back and say that since our home study said we were open to a sibling group but did not specify the particulars we are denied again.  Another $100 later and another $35 expressed shipping charge we are now waiting to hear what the next piece of news will be. 

We found out the same day that the MOJ in Bulgaria closes the entire month of August.  If we don't get NBC approval and MOJ's stamp of approval before the end of July we will have to wait until September for a potential travel date!! KILLING ME SLOWLY!!! My fingers are crossed we get a travel date by end of July, will get to meet our son in August, come home, wait three months and will get to go pick up our son in Nov-Dec.  I am not sure if that is realistic since we were suppose to travel in June and it is July and we don't even have NBC approval yet. 

Frustrated with the process but 100% worth it.  Some days I feel defeated, other days inspired, other days ticked off, and most days just HOPEFUL!

Momma is coming my dear Miles....