The struggle is part of the story...

I know I haven't spoke out about how we are handling the wait time but to be completely honest it is literally killing me.  Thinking about it takes me to the verge of tears.  Talking about it make me cry like a baby.  It is completely unbearable.  My heart is here and my heart is across the world in Bulgaria. I am really struggling.  Every time I find myself feeling sad about my son being in Bulgaria I feel guilty about not being present here at home.  If I find myself having fun and being happy I feel guilty because my little boy is in a third world country away from his family.

There are two days in my whole life that I honestly have no idea how I made it through. 

The first was the day Kolby was born.  I still had IV in my arm and had not been conscious for more than an hour when they put my son on an ambulance headed for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit in Spokane.  They expected me to stay in Moscow, FAT CHANCE!!! I pulled IV's out of my arm and followed my son to Spokane. 

The second day was the day I sat in a room on the third floor of an Orphanage half a world away with my three year old son in my lab.  The door swung open and an older lady spoke to me in a language I didn't understand.  I stared at her blankly although I knew exactly what she was asking me to do.  Subconsciously I turned me back to her and held tight to my son. My translator explained that it was time for us to go and leave Miles here.  Can you imagine giving your three year old son a kiss goodbye and telling him you love him and having no idea when you will see him again?  I had to sit there and watch a caretaker, of whom I didn't even know her name, take my son away from me.  No one told me how long we would be apart, no one told me how hard it would be, no one prepared me for the overwhelming break my heart would experience.  I tried to pretend I was strong and happy so my son would not see me crumble into a pile of nothing on the floor. 

It was only moments after he was out of sight that the tears rolled down my face faster than I could wipe them away.  I struggled to stay on my feet as all the strength I had was quickly disappearing.  Every morsel of my being wanted to run after that caretaker and snatch my son away from her.  I was not reassured that he would be well taken care of, I was uncertain he would know us when we returned for him, I wasn't ok with flying half way around the world to go back to everyday life like nothing was different. 

It was been a month since we returned home.  I do not feel like we are any closer to going back over to get him.  We have been told that we should travel at the end of December, possibly spending Christmas in Bulgaria, or even sometime in January.  The government shut down postponed our paperwork a bit, our Idaho State Background Checks were returned due to the form being changed the day after we mailed them.  Our paperwork is currently on its way to Bulgaria so we are just waiting. 

Waiting and waiting and waiting.  I know that God has a lesson here for me in particular.  Patience is a virtue and I have never been very good at it.  I am learning that everything is done on his timeline but accepting that is much harder than I ever imagined.  I am a control freak to say it gently.  Giving it all to him has been a struggle and has also forced me to grow in ways I didn't think I was capable of doing.  My faith has been tested in this whole process but I am beginning to see that my faith is growing stronger, our marriage has flourished, and our family is growing deeper roots.  The struggle is all part of the story but believe me living in the struggle day to day is almost enough to break a person down to the most rare point.

I heard a song recently that captures exactly how I am feeling. Listening to the lyrics gives me hope, brings me to tears and makes my heart settle in peace.  I have attached to lyrics below. 

 

"He Will Carry Me"

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holdin' on
But I feel like givin' in
But still You're with me

[chorus:]
And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

[chorus]

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I've never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through
The storm

[chorus]

 

Please pray for our family as we solider on through this agonizing wait.  Please pray for my son so that he will know he has a family that loves  him more than he will ever know.  Please pray for all the families that are partners with us in this journey we call adoption. Most importantly please pray for all the orphans all around the world that they too will find they family the so desperately long to have.